Seven years ago when I was thirtteen, my class was assigned a geography project to do about France. Our teacher suggested acquiring travel books from the travel agents and cutting pictures and stuff out of them. Basically we were to create a folder with as much information about France as possible. Literally everybody in the class failed at this. It was getting near the end of our last school year and nobody gave a fuck about their France projects. When I handed it in, mine was three pages long including the front cover. I mentioned something about wine and something else about the Eiffel tower, and that was it. Our teacher was so appalled by our work that he actually took us into the French room to yell at us, as opposed to the room we were supposed to be in. Terrifying.

My friends and I may have had a chance to produce an adequate project if it weren't for a certain man. We don't know his name, and we only owned one picture of him. His existence became apparent to us when we spent a lesson cutting out as many meaningless images from travel books as we could find and pasting them onto the back of my folder. One of them was a car with a massive clog on the top of it with the words "Wooden Shoe Factory" stencilled on. Another was a woman who, by some weird camera/light trick, appeared to have shoved her head through a window. But there was one image in particular which stood out as the grandmother of all hilarious images. I am talking of course of the following:

It doesn't look like much, but I assure you there is a world of hilarity within this image. It started when my friend Ryan and I noticed that the man in the white shirt is seductively eyeing-up the air hostess. This we found brilliant, because it obviously meant the man in question was a raging faggot. Shortly after we'd assembled a myriad of awesome pictures onto the back of my folder, we were narrating what was taking place in each image, and how every image 'connected' to every other image. We gave the characters different voices and created incredibly surreal storylines in which they were the characters. When we pointed to the man in the white shirt, we narrated something about him wanting to fuck the brains out of the air hostess and at this point in time, the planets aligned in the sky and BEMUSED CRACKER MAN was born.

The man in the red shirt. Just look at the way he is looking at his cracker. What is he thinking? Does he like the cracker? Who knows?! All we knew was that his expression was hilarious. The more we looked at this image, the less capable we were of not laughing. We spent entire lessons just staring at that man in the red shirt trying to impersonate him. I didn't even know what "bemused" meant but for us it seemed to make sense. LOOK AT HOW SERIOUS HE IS ABOUT EATING THAT CRACKER. Words cannot explain how much joy this man brought to us. Which is why I am making this appeal for cracker man to get in touch.

That's right. We can deduct from the fact that we have a photo of him that he must have existed at some point, which means there's a good chance he might still be alive. It only just occured to me now that he might not even speak English, so with the power of Babelfish, this page is now available in the following languages: